Is There a Better Way?

So, for today’s blog I wanted to talk about the struggles of being born with a disease/disablity verses being diagnosed at a later age. I saw a message thread the other day where this exact topic was being debated, and there were very strong opinions for both sides. So I thought today would be a good day to talk about it. Now, I don’t have any facts, and I only know what it’s like from one side, but I still think I’ll discuss it here. For those of you who don’t know, I grew up healthy. (You can read my whole personal story a couple posts back on this blog.) I ran track in junior high, I danced all through high school, I was working as a security guard and going to police academy when I started getting sick. So I had a very normal and active childhood. Sure, I got sick once in awhile, but nothing chronic or long lasting. And depending on which day you ask me, I’ll tell you a different story about whether I’m grateful for that or not. On a basic level, I’m very grateful for the opportunities I had growing up. I’m so glad that I lived such an active life. I have amazing memories from late-night dance group parties breaking down the stage after weeks of performances and hours of fun on the bus going from track meet to track meet. I feel like I lived a full life through my junior high/high school years. There are memories that I will have for the rest of my life. I’m grateful for the 5 years I spent working as a 911 dispatcher and for the friends I made and experiences I had. Some of those experiences helped shape me into who I am today. I literally listened to a lady being stabbed to death while she was on the phone with me waiting for officers to arrive. I was lucky enough to be able to meet her months later when she stopped by to thank the officers who got there with less than minutes to spare and the dispatcher who stayed on the phone with her so she knew she wasn’t alone in what she thought was going to be her last minutes in life. That experience is something that changed me permanently and helped shape the way I see things day to day. I had several experiences like that and I am forever grateful for those. I am grateful that I was able to go through police academy. I was half way through when I started getting sick, but some of those friends I made are friends I still have to this day. All of those things are things that I am grateful to have as my memories and experiences. So why do I sometimes say I wish I had been born sick instead of getting sick later in life? Because I know what I’m missing. I feel like I was living a full life and then lost all of that. I miss being able to work a full time job and go to school. I miss being active. I miss having these amazing life experiences that only living a full life can give you. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t have been better for me if I had just always been sick. If I had grown up sick and never had the opportunity to do these things, I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on so much. I wouldn’t know that things could be better because I never would have experienced that. And then I think about not having had the opportunity to have those experiences and I start to think that it is better that I got sick later in life. If I had been born sick I never would have had the chance to be on sports teams and groups or have had the amazing job opportunities that I had. You can see how I go back and forth about which side I think is best. And yet I feel like a hypocrite saying that if I had been born sick I would have missed out on things. I’ve talked to several amazing individuals who were born with chronic illnesses and have had them their whole lives, and they don’t feel like they’ve missed out on anything. And the truth is, they haven’t. They’ve lived just as full of lives as I have. They’ve had opportunities in their lives that they feel people who didn’t grow up sick missed out on. I have a friend who was in certain clubs at school because they weren’t active, etc and she made the best memories in those clubs with her friends that she still has today. She feels like if she hadn’t been born sick, she never would have joined those groups. Her family is active and she believes she would have been active too had that been an option. But because it wasn’t an option, she joined non-active groups and feels like she’s the most blessed because she did. I don’t know if any of this is making sense. I think it’s hard to explain because it’s hard to know. Fortunately for most of us, we were either born sick or became sick later in life. I know a few of you were born with some illnesses/disabilities and gained more later on, but most of us are in one column or the other. So how can we compare? I don’t think we can, and I don’t think it’s fair to try. But just because we aren’t comparing doesn’t mean the questions don’t cross our minds. On days when I so desperately miss working full time and being in the police academy, I find myself wishing I had been born sick so I wouldn’t know what I was missing out on. But on the days when I enjoy thinking back on the amazing memories I have, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to live life the way I did for so long. Which way is better? There’s not a right answer. All opinions on the subject are valid. So what do we do? I guess the best thing to do is to be grateful for what opportunities we had and try not to compare yourself to others who are ill. Everyone has a different life/illness story. No two people are the same. Even two people who were born sick and have dealt with illness their whole lives will have very different stories and opinions. When we’re missing out on something we used to do, or wishing we would have had the opportunity to do something we never were able to do, just remember that things are ok. A small part of everyone wishes things in their lives were different. I think the most important thing is to remember that everyone is different. We all lived different lives, had different opportunities based on our surroundings and will continue to live our own lives in our own ways. Kayla